and she'd say, " please, little boy, don't ever become a wicked teenager..." she'd ask me if I could just be little and sweet forever, like a puppy maybe, and I'd say in my squeaky lil voice, "of course mommy!" For sure one of the biggest lies, I've ever told, as I did the exact opposite of my momma's boy pledge...
we would yell at each other.... not speak for weeks... in the same apartment! i mean there was space, but when you're avoiding someone, it's like creeping around in a shoebox...
eventually, i would naturally do something goofy, not even trying to make her laugh, but I would... and we would again be cool..... enough...
but my following 2 steps back.... would take us.... well....
slowly I started to get it together...
own place, steady gigs....
every once and a shuffle, I still threw up the mommy bat signal...
and even though I hadn't been allowed to nest at the nest for some time, she wouldn't let me get that far out there....
she liked my moxie...
even though it made her nervous as shit that I didn't get my brain certification...
she did give props to the fact that I put my shit all the way out there... time and again... whether I was rocking that shit, or I was getting my ass handed back to me....
by this time, she too, was keeping her head out of the sand more often....
she found love again....
scared... already buried two dudes....
donna juan til the end... i never questioned where I got it... actually I got it double time, bobby was just as bad.... she went on with her new love, as if she hadn't done it before....
the right way...
honestly, I was inspired...
it's the reason why a girl, who had no business getting all of my efforts, got those and then some for years....
I said to myself, "self... if ma has been through all that, and can still do this, then you can make your little bullshit problems work..."
hey.... I get an E+...
and that's it...
the last words my mom ever said to me, about me in any relationship, was this:" you should never have to go back... either it'll come down to it, and she won't be able to leave... or after you put on your jacket, she won't let you walk out that door... if she does, neither of you have anything to worry about..."
I thought it sounded like a whole bunch of apathy at the time, but I've thought about it since and it's not Neitzsche, but it definitely smacked a few bad habits out of me..... she was on a whole heap of medicine at the time... kinda explains why it makes the most sense to me when it does....
As far as the rest of life is concerned, she just wanted to see me find that slip-n-slide....
to be stable, happy, healthy, visit often, and call even more...
this was the connection we both knew could always be there, but puberty and life shit put the big daddy kibosh on...
And that's what it is right now, I'm good with that... actually... finally...
I got a heart in my chest, so I love like I can///
brain in my head, still trying to learn how to really think em through....
my lungs are mad at me, but we're actually in counseling, and things are improving....
hip bones, connected to the... right, whatever...
99 things come before that, and yeah you know....
but that lady at the top of this page was my straight homie when it was all said and done, and I never thought I would think/say that.... figured she'd just be my ma....
on the low, she was a suga hill g.....
alot of people who read that will have to google it... exactly...
I know i could've learned a whole lot more from her when she was here, if we wouldn't of spent all that time at war.....
but ma and pa gave me enough to take my long ass arms and squeeze the globe, until everything I need pops out...
I'm like a baby x-men, learning how to use all my new powers......
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