it might be full....but that's a lil circle.....

on the wake up, I hit this place I know called The Claremont....the place I'm talking about is far from pretentious.... it's also pretty far from The Claremont you might be thinking of....

i go there with coffee or tea.... and last night's dreams/nightmares/thoughts/ideas/plots/schemes....close my eyes, and it's like sportscenter for my thoughts... all of yesterday's highlights, replayed on a loop.... sometimes I try to go back to sleep, if there was a really good dream last night I wouldn't mind returning to.... mike singletary...can't do it.... that's why i value sleep so much.... where else do you REALLY dream? Day dreams are cool as hell, but true visions are seen in the unconscious...

eventually, I can't feel from below my waist, the sun is hella bright and hot, and for sure at least one wasp just won't let the aerial attack shit go......

I know at this point, it's daytime......or not........

but that's my spot....

today, numbcheek meter had yet to reach 75%, when I experienced some pretty heavyheavy for the earlyearly....

I turn to the left, to try to escape some direct sun, and notice this spider furious with the back and forth...

little body, with a big ole, red booty....

last night was a beast, but I'm not having visions...

this dude is moving so fast, it looks like he's clicking frame by frame.....

i haven't been the skeevy, I can't see a spider type person...

i definitely don't need any crawling on me, but if we don't have that I have no beef with the spider...

eh...

except the whole web in the doorway business, that's not right..

i'm not a fly, i'm gonna walk right through it... 

it's gross and all you end up having to do is make it over....

so I think the spider community should do something about that...

but besides that, and the creeping and crawling.... spiders are cool with me....

but i play chess....

on one of his trips past me, dude stops,  rears back on most of his hind legs, and looks...like....he. might try to jump on my face!!!!!

I don't flinch, but I listen to fat joe and lean back a little.....

knock over my coffee in the process...

now, I'm starting to think this recent fascination with the 8 legged homies, could turn out to be something involving a medic....

I'm trying to remember....can spiders jump?

Nah,nah, that was only in Arachnophobia and shit, they don't jump they crawl.......

As I'm pondering newfound dangers, dude stops pacing and does the hind legs thing again....

This time though, he's saying something, I would swear he's talking shit.....

but i don't speak big, red, booty spider... i'll let that one ride....

So he goes about his mission, heads toward the edge of the banister, closest spot to the lawn....

and...

 FWWWOOOOOSSSSSHHHH....

fucker flew off that wood, like the fucking rocketman!!!!

Lands on a huge leaf in a weed patch....

Looks up, flips me off, and flies further into the abyss that is the lawn at the claremont....

by now i'm way beyond the wonder of the nature connection.....

not only can spiders jump, but that dude was trying to decide whether or not to jump on my face! shit, spiders can fucking jump!!!!

nice.... dr. belcher you can add arachnophobia to the list now....

distraction comes by way of a curious mix of essences.... the gym and peet's coffee...

 what the fuck is that?

ah....

my sweats are soaking up all the coffee I was sitting in, waiting to see if the big red booty spider was gonna jump on my face.....or not....

but i couldn't feel the coffee... guess it's daytime.....

as I get up dripping and cursing....

i remember it's super bowl sunday..... damn..........

a year ago....

I know cause it was the super bowl... sorry, I know that's a horrible pinpoint, but check it.....

Just me and my little boy....

Stop it.... I'm talking about Baxter, the 6 month old puppy I shared with the x.....

who had to work during the game....

so that's what it was....

on the couch, wings and fries, beer and cheer....obviously, only one of us got to actually enjoy all of those things.... but Baxxie got an extra large greenie and I probably "dropped" a couple fries.... 

set....

I had only been back home for maybe ten days or so since being in Oakland for the funeral of my brother in law, BIG C....

I wanted nothing to do with the hoopla exhibits everyone else I know is at all over the beach.... i kinda just wanted to watch the game....so did the boyboy... swear....

my lil man WATCHED the whole first half....

didn't move...well, neither did I...

During halftime, in the back alley, as he lifted legs here or there... tried to eat a chicken bone, and had a stare down with a feral alley cat... he still found time to break it all down for me...

"how the giants now established running game, was going to set the patriots defense up for a big completion from Eli....."

what can I say, the dog knows his football....

and he might walk on 4, and at one point had a serious bout with the hard stuff(cat poo) ewww...

but he is brilliant none the less.... I'm sure Einstein had some weird snacks....

I miss him horribly.... almost been a year since I've seen him, I wonder what would happen if he saw me?

A month after that amazing super bowl, my boy worldwide DJ KINGCUT, came down to South Beach for the Winter Music Conference.... Shit was nuts, parties and people absolutely EVERYWHERE..... I had to work everynight, but we're talking South Beach.... Parties start, and that's it.... they don't stop, they move....

It was really good to have fam down there.....

Things with me and the lady were the tundra at best..... sometimes love defrosts and things find something special in their new form.... 

not usually though.....

I'm walking to work one day... standard....

ipod blasting, some red bull concoction, fuzzer, and my wayfarers when they hadn't gotten stretched out yet....

All of a sudden, my big brother is calling me....

He's all over his new Iphone his bride got him as a wedding gift.....

So text is pretty regular from him....

He's calling though.... I looked at the phone for a couple of rings, and knew I had to answer now, no "oh I'll call him back after work"...

gut wins again....

big brother tells me, mom is in a really bad way... he doesn't have the source of the trouble but he'll call me back and let me know......

I'm shocked... man, I'm fucking silk the shocker....

then he calls me back, tells me what she has...

i've never heard of it.....

Really?!

Mind you, the super bowl enjoyment was the first sign in weeks that I might be snapping out of it.....

We just buried BIG C....... 

Now, you're telling me Nancy might die, and you got me a flight for when?

I spoke to her on the phone the next day, when I was in the dog park with Baxxie, and my friends Alex and Mercedes and their boxer Bruce.....

I asked them to watch the lil guy for me while I tried to understand what my Ma was saying....

She was different....

Like her mind was different... Speech was different.... I would learn later that her mind was indeed effected, and that was one of the harder pills to digest.....

Smartest woman I ever knew... 

Please.. Please don't take any of her mind..... At least, not until you're going to take her.....

Wow.

Now... now that mom and I don't scream at each other from various places on the planet.... now that everybody is back in one room.....

now?

For the next 2 months....

I would "commute" back and forth from Miami to Los Angeles...

This would put enough strain on everything from Baxter's behavior to the rent....

The x didn't think I cared about any of that//

Of course I did...

But what was I going to do?

I was going to move to California... to my sister's house that's what I'm going to do...

as long as I know mom could go at any point, I wanna be a whisper away.... not a holla....

x said she was going to get things wrapped up in MIA and meet me out west....

as I left for my cab to the airport, I could've sworn she smirked....

we both knew she wasn't coming, and that was fine for all parties involved....except Baxter....

for some reason, she and I had been trying to get away from each other for over a year, and simply stayed....

so the world stepped in......

Welcome to the 3rd Floor....

my sister has a huge house... boys don't get to live below the 3rd floor....

My brother lived on the 3rd floor... my brief, but trifling nephew in law, lived on the 3rd floor.........This place is gonna need some work......

I wasn't in Oakland 2 weeks before the x gave me, the "yeah that sucks but..." speech.....

We wouldn't speak again for months.....that was when she changed her name to x....

I didn't really notice, my head was like them fancy rims I see spinning around the town.....

or more like Chris Rock doing an impression of the rims, ah anyway....

I was soooo broke....

I hadn't been that broke since.....

Allowance....

I hadn't not had a job since the 90's....

Speaking of jobs I had in the 90's, I decided to go see if I couldn't get some work at the place I worked when I was 14.... Hella Ghetto's....

It's a super top notch, don't ask for a box at the end of dinner kind of spot....

I've worked at other places like that in NY....

but....they were bigger and the owner's hadn't known me since I was 6....

this place is quaint, and the owner's were two of my parents closest friends....

unfortunately, the loss of my dad, and worrying about my mom were our strongest bonds at this point.....

those bonds would definitely be tested, cause I'm acting like a prick right now... say something, I'm a fine dining gangsta!!!! 

The job was pretty brutal....

I called it the Java Shuffle... 5 am...

Get sprayed with piping hot steam and milk...

growled at by the caffeine depraved, en route to some color of collar....

and at the end of the day, you  made like 3rd grade bake sale money... that's if the 3rd grade split what they made at their bake sale with the rest of the school.....

then I got bumped up to lunch...

hey now.....

cutting egg salad sandwiches, still with the coffee, but now everyonce and a while I would get to crack a beer for somebody...

it definitely still didn't feel like bartending(what i was "hired" for), but the Sandwich Boogie, was way better than that rooster race... 

not to mention it was all a pretty great distraction from the real....

besides the couple times I flipped out and walked out...

but I've been known to do that at jobs without any true crisis on deck, so......

Mom was getting worse....

the sister and I were starting to break down with the back and forth... even just OAK to LAX can kick your ass when you're doing it on your days off for 3 months straight.....

There came a point where we just had to sit down for a sec.....

I liked not having to travel, but just felt guilty really....

Holed myself up in the house....

In my life I don't know if I  have ever chose to be this anti-social... 

as silly as I am, I didn't used to be so self-conscious..

so untrusting....

with held, and tender....

i'm sure plenty will tell you that I in fact possessed everyone of these hang ups for as long as they've known me....

maybe.....

all my hometeam I grew up with has been trying to get me to hang out, but I'm broke....

literally and for real....

I was doing a really lame loner impression.....

"keep doing what you're doing.....

gon keep gettin what you're gettin....."

so i forced myself to get out a little...

I hate going out just so you can say you went out....

but not as much as I hate being stuck at home....

and I was stuck....

BART is not a game, when you live where I do//

I was frustrated and ready to flip on somebody for anything....

And then the world stepped in.....

She was perfect....

I mean, if you'd have asked me to draw up my dream girl....

My rendition would have been a couple rungs under her.....

Perfection, I said....

For me, not you...

we were two strong ass forces colliding.... instantly....

she restored my faith in something other than the grim....

She came over one night after work for a drink...... just talk.....

I think we hung out for the next week straight.....

The inevitable eventually came....

Mom was gone, and that was a backhanded reminder that pop's was too....

I tried not to let all these feeling boil over, not burn anyone else... but...

I'd like to say my dream girl just up and disappeared, but I can't say for sure now can I?

I wasn't exactly in the best place....

 should've been focusing on being selfish.... 

that might be exactly what i was doing...but.....

who really knows these things?

maybe that isn't what happened at all....

maybe it was a hodgepodge... 

 it's all a dream now....

but that's what I'm telling you...

a year ago, I could walk 3 blocks from my house to the ocean right now and hop in.....

year before that, I could walk through time square, and look around with complete wonder.... and no one would know I live uptown, they just think I'm some geeky cali kid.....

well I am that too.......

point is, from last year today....

so much shit, i mean just some real shitty shit has gone down.... either to me or my loved ones, which is still to me i guess.... with goodness placed on the rim of some days, to chase the facts...

but the fog comes back every morning, this is the bay ya know....

Thick, and smothering....

 i started having to find ways on my own to snap out of it....duh....

The 3rd Floor is coming along swimmingly....

started hooping again....

got off the teet of the fam biz...

I still go out, just so I can miss my bed.....

it's cool for now.... swingin on the coattails of my city buddies, and all their swanky venues....

so crowded, and yet, after enough it starts to look like a cold, dark, bat-filled cave....

and that's when i know I'm okay...

scanning the room, and talking shit about everybody like they're not even there... he's back!!!!

hup!!!!!

timer went off, I can go get back in bed.....

i'm over the bridge with stealth.....

Once I make it back home, I look in the mirror with a proud sigh....

wow, dickhead you put pants on, and went outside.... fantastic!!!

then I get under the covers... ahh, my right wrist itches.... I look at it, and a fish out of water of emotions start flailing about....

it's really hard to try to avoid  looking at something for inspiration, when that's what it's there for.....

So much loss and anguish in one calender year.... in my life really..... I know plenty people I pass before  I even get off my block in the morning might have it worse.... right now i'm not saving the world though... I gotta save me!!!!

With my eyes shut tight.....

 I wonder if Baxter got to see the super bowl tonight....

I hope everyone is either happy and healthy, or on the way to both....

I get all my documents in order for The Claremont, and I'm out.....

Guaranteed to wake up at like 4 or 5, and be stuck on the news until I can catch another couple hours.... or not.....

I haven't slept through a night in 2009 yet.... Actually, that streak started in the end of 08' but I doubt I'm reaching any guiness status...

regardless of how twisted my life was at the moment, I've never had a problem passing out for hella hours.....

not recently though....

some say it shouldn't matter...

that there's work to do and you can sleep when you're dead.....

I can make an argument for that kind of talk...

 but my problem with that is if you never close your eyes.....

when do you really dream?