damn you got it good

what if every morning you had to eat your pancakes with no syrup?

what if you finally got her to go out with you, only to find out her breath stank or worse?

how bout if old people moved way faster than us, but had no regard for how fragile young people are? 

what if on fridays, instead of a pay check, you were just happy human resources didn't fire you......literally.. like with a rifle...

do dudes foaming at the grill walk, into crowded places in your city and blow up?

right..

you got it good..

damn you got it good..

you could have it bad..

like a polaroid soaked celebrity..

arthritic signature hand..very sad..

 

or me. anonymous mouth.. 

have to cast my view, and comment on everything everyone does...

me and 3 of my personalities jumped our therapist this morning... also very sad..

i cut my neighbor's grass the other day, for a new perspective.... their shit wasn't greener than ours!

cas is right, I wanted to be on my lawn, if i was gonna be sweating devil grease, wearing protective mc hammer glasses..

It's like the common denominator human kryptonite...

Right now, you're saying you're satisfied, everything is cooler than peguin piss.....

But then you start looking around at what everybody else got...

Like, "man,  I could be the guy that stops time, once he enters the room...

If I can only figure out how to get........" 

don't play with your words,honey..

I was staring into a mud puddle, after the rain, the other day..

 get all reflective, wondering if my pluses outweigh my minuses..

or do my vices make it the versa?

and is that even worth 2 cartons of ports on the island?

what if the hustle is whether my pluses outweigh your minuses..

heh heh, take that! you,you destrucive,defiler of all things peachy and herbed..

how come the fuzziest, softest creatures are steel nerved?

yeah, we could kill each other..

but neither one of us could revive the other..

what is power?

does your mind play tricks, when someone is standing in the palm of your hand?

HeRoEs NEED hErOeS 2(throwback for my al mighty heads)

I fuck in my happy place, and make love where I'm scared...

Sometimes this shit feels just like air...

man, that shit ain't even there...

then, but only then do I need that shit...

like air..

Vanity is my top 7 favorite sin...

At least, until somebody drops the new shit...

Mirror, mirror don't tell lies..

Don't try to tell me I don't have eyes..

Or that the shit I see I shouldn't gaze at..

Locked myself in again, staring at the mirror, in the bathroom of the crib that I blaze at...

Health reaching hazardous levels...

Just vain enough to give a fuck..

but not concerned enough to do something about it....

Whether encouraged or doubted, it's still strength missing in action until I've found it....

It's like the world really is flat, and ain't no gettin around it....

Have I scared you?

Are you shocked yet?

Haven't I blown your mind?

Do you feel like you live in the land of little people?

Is everyone looking up to you?

And you look around, like "what the fuck are ya'll looking at?! Shit, I need a hero too!"

bulletproof coward

I'm brave enough to save the day, too damn selfish to be a hero...

I know where there is gas on tap...

I'm frightened of everything, that's why I look at you mean..

I could tell by the way they were swinging their lunch boxes, that this could be some shit..

whew.. they kept going...

I remember when it was totally safe to walk the streets..

what gas?

I didn't say anything about gas.....

I make things up for attention..

But I don't want to talk to you..

mild tangent

I just find it [uncomfortably] funny, how when I'm standing behind someone's bar--To my liberal,hip, older, pale patrons..... I look just like Obama......

Yet, if they saw me after work in my street clothes.....

They would divert eye contact, and clutch purses...[comfortably] not funny at all..

Anyway, please direct your loser, sucker for love, homies to this piece..Tell em to read each one, until they stop sitting down to pee...

get it,

Brainfart

update..sorry to my old pale patrons.... today(8/25/08) a dude..black dude...riding one skateboard and holding another, said to his girl, as I passed:" Baby, he look just like Obama don't he? I said, he look just like Obama.."

Okay, so maybe to some people I look like Obama.. A slim, long, black dude, with a small head, dark lips, and protruding  ears.... but his ears are definitely bigger than mine, gimme that!

anyway, sorry to Alice, Mark, Peter, and Jim... guess you just saw it first, or didn't have filter not to say it first..

When it hurtS so BaD (BreaKup HaNgova Pt.3, you good)

Lauryn Hill wanted to know why it felt so good, when it hurts so bad? Cause, as Uncle Rukus says, " She's nuttier than squirrel shit." 

And while Aaron Gruder's ugly ass, Black, white supremist is right, that chick might just be crazy. 

She's normal in this case, cause we are, or have; getting/gotten high off of bad vibes.. 

Silent treatment ,text sex,real sex,make-up,chill......

Until the shit hits the fan again...

Repeat above sequence..

Strain into a glass, and serve it still spinning..

Maybe it will catch up to your lips, moving a mile a minute, just trying to get a word in sideways...

When all you really want to tell her is "fuck you!"

That's what you wanna tell her, if you could see her right? "Fuck you!"

You might consider pointing that finger at yourself...See..

There are two ways to look at a break up, gentlemen..

Well, first you must understand this....A woman will always give you a hint,she'll give you a clue.. She might even give you a fish...But, what she would really like is for you to learn how to fish on your own.... "a fish?" you ask.

Check it: The fishing rod is your thought process...the ocean, your imagination.. and the fish;what you reel in, is opportunity.....The opportunity to make all her dreams come true..

A gift?

A trip?

Surprise dinner?(if you could make an edible meal, you're on par with the piumps!)

Bond with the fam?(yours,hers,both.....whoa)

the ring?(super whoa,moving towards, you on your own whoa)

Whatever her fish are,whatever size they are....

She will show you the perfect spot to catch em... Between the two trees,by the babbling brook, or whatever the eff..

But.. when it's all said.. Done,burnt, and buried...

Whether she reminds you,points out to you; the hints,clues, and suggestions you missed... You might've missed it again! Cause it was the real, and you over there, thinking it's "pre-hate"!

Regardless, in her  mind, she knows her hints would've been picked up by Stevie, and haunted by Ray..

But, you've missed em'.

Dumb ass.

Okay, the mamafucking point, is that because she told you what she wanted.......

Whether you chose to acknowledge them shits or not, is like going 18-1..

Can't blame her for being a tough competitor..

You knew there was that chance, that the two of you would not win the big one..

But the ride was sweet wasn't it?

Even if it wasn't sweet at all...

Time, hmmm?

It seems now, like it might not have been as bad as it was... Like you weren't that sad, crazy fool.. In public, cursing that poor girl out, with the devil's tongue.... Okay, it was at home... whatever, all I'm saying, is time away makes the anger go away, for a sec.... drama got some long ass legs...But, you'll remember why you're there and she's over there.. and there's no there, there..

Love only loves,love..

So. Man up, hometeam..

Fuck what Lauryn talking bout..

That shit doesn't have to hurt, for it to feel good...

that shit is called sadomaschism, and if that's yo shit, fuck it, you're a sexual deviant, but hey--who isn't?

I'm kidding..that's  horse orgy fucked up, stop that shit..

Unregardless, whether she blind-sided you, you saw it coming, or it was completely your fault...

Brainfart thinks you're a good dude...Even if you haven't always been a good dude,you can be a good dude..

Shit! You can be whatever brand of dude you wanna be!

Cause she's gone--mind, body, and spiritual presence...

Which means, you sir, are free..

Reborn..

Romantically Reincarnated...

Fuck it up, as you please..

It always feels so good to come out of hangover...

The Breakup Monkey, is a much heavier dude to get off your back..

But, you shook him, none the less..

Now you know....Don't you play 2nd banana to nobody!

It's time, take back the night fellas....

Breakup Hangover pt. 2 pre-hatin,watchaphobia, and other shit..

So, last time  we met-- you had just broke up with her...

You weren't showering, brushing your teeth, or even wiping your ass right.... 

I finally got you to go outside, and there you were; wandering the earth-- looking, feeling, and acting like a really big pussy...

Here we are.

You got, like 54% of your nut's function back.. You're almost thinking about using em...

But, where's the bellboy?

You still walking around with that baggage..

No?

You don't hold your pillow,while you let out a wounded puppy's cry,  and listen to lauryn hill any more?

So proud of you, but she's still there..

I know. You can't smell her, don't talk to her, can go a whole day without thinking about her, and yet......

You're finally out and about....

You're showering, and maybe even ironing your shirt before you go out now...

At the bar, and finally.....

An opportunity presents itself......

Your intro is seamless..

The convo is smooth...

You move to privacy, and you remember how exciting this is.....

BAM!

Some skallywagg, who slightly resembles your ex's body type walks by, and you flinch, like Kimbo Slice sneezed right in front of you.

Shorty, now, eyes wide open... finds anything to tell you(her girls,her ride, anything)... She might still give you her number.. But, after she gets up, all you're gonna think about is what a jackass you just were, and try to explain it, and make it worse..... 

She's not gonna respond to your calls,texts,emails...Drink some prune juice..l.t.s.g.*

But, what happened to you is called Watchaphobia.

You think this girl is around every corner you bend.. But, what you're not realizing, is you want her to be around that corner.

So, though you say you're good. You've moved on..Nah..

You're moving on..

But, it takes time.. 

The reason you have watchaphobia, is because of something girls do, called pre-hatin..

See, by the time she realizes that this ship has sailed, and both of you are about to jump in the ocean....She's already trying to fuck up the rest of your life... How can she do that if I'm not with her?

Right. She can't...

But, she can say the coldest, most fucked up shit she can think of; to try to give you complexes about the man you are...and can be...

You know how when you know someone after a certain amount of time,you know what to do to piss them off? Like, it's real easy, if you know the person..

Well, all throughout you're relationship, if you were mad-you knew exactly what to say to get her to your level, right?

She did it to you too... I know, dude, I know..

Not the point..

The point is, even though she did it to you too, no matter how mad she got, she saved the really good stuff.. Whether it's true or not.. Whether she even really believes it or not... She's gonna tell you when it's over.. She might call it closure...

But, dammit, we call it pre-hate!

And it can stick with you, if you let it..

Every woman was born with a degree in psychology... How they choose to use that degree, remains up to the individual...

Bottomline, if you take what your ex tells you on your way out the door to heart......

Hometeam, it's gonna be a looooong bachelor period for you... And I don't mean that in a good way...

I mean, you can develop hangups, from relationships, like fucking child trauma..

My homeboy was a brilliant artist;his work marinated across gallery walls...getting paid handsomely for his love....

And his muse...well, when they stopped seeing eye to eye.....

She told him he was a fraud.... and that he was conning people, by making a shitload of money on overhyped crap.

He listened to her...

Out of respect? maybe.

Out of habit?probably.

Out of hope?most likely.

He hoped, that when she began the sentence....that, even if she wasn't going to say, "we can make it work", that she was going to tell him she knew how big a mistake she was making...

Or, how great a man he was, despite their differences.

Yeeeah, but she didn't.

She dulled the blade, and put it in with precision.. She probably practiced.....

Because she knew it might be her only shot to guarantee, that he would never be happier, than the last time she made him happy...

And then there are those of us, who know that the fucked up shit she said is true...

On the money, true... Like, we want her out of our freakin head true, true.

All this time you thought she could never see that, and here she is, calling yo ass out..

"you thought I didn't know about;" her, that other bank account, your gambling debt, your drinking problem, your mommy/daddy issues, you like dudes,etc.

Now what?

You thought nobody, not even her, knew your secret.. But, she does, so other people must be able to see it too. Not only that, but who did she read the contents of your diary to? The diary you never kept, but she kept for you...Oooooo.. I know, it's a dangerous thing, this "love".

So, you're fucked up now right? Cause the mutual people you know, might know,and blah,blah,blah...

You're being an idiot...

Unless, you really are some kind of traveling freak show...

In which case, you should probably relocate..

But,for real, it's not like she doesn't have her quirks,and moments she would prefer were forgotten.. And, I'm sure if you were so inclined, you could tell her friends what she really thinks about them..

But why?

It's like the KKK...If you hate the darkies so much.....why expound all of your energy toward what they are doing? Is that hate? I've heard hate defined as, "warped love"......

Which is why pre-hatin is so brilliant....

She plants the seed, and you do all of the harvesting.....

But, we don't really need that bellboy anymore do we?Save yourself the $5 tip....

These days we're packing light.. Any drunken, random; text, or voicemail, where she is popping her shoulder out of the socket, reaching for some way to knock you off course....

You're laughing that shit off now....

Don't even feel the need to respond with that sick, witty, cruel one-liner you just thought of...

Sittin back with a chilled glass of prune juice...

You know your shit stanks....

And you know everyone else's does too..Even the pretty ones...

*l.t.s.g.:let the shit go

Anyway, you're about there, I'm not gonna front dude, I'm digging how fast you're coming along.. But, I only gotta few more things I gotta tell you, before I can sleep feeling good about you out there macking and attacking. So, stay tuned for the final chapter of Breakup Hangover Helper... Alright, man. Holla den.. 

Spoiled Soldiers.. intro..

From Brainfart: Alright, this is the intro, and that's all you get for free!

SPOILED SOLDIERS

"yo, homeboy, you got a light?"

I had a light.

"well, can I use it, then?"

 

I let him use it.

Fuckface can't get it to work. I knew he wouldn't be able to..

But he don't wanna let me do it, he gotta show me he can light my lighter..

I'm not asking no more, as I go to grab his coat, many dudes rush this asshole with my lighter.

Before I can even see, I'm on the ground looking at like 17 dudes doing a timberland merry go round on this kids face..

I try to say something  about my fucking lighter.Right about the time the kid wasn't moving, and wasn't any fun to stomp no more..that shit looked personal,wonder what he did?.. i could've walked away without my lighter and gone about my day.. but I ain't ready to quit smoking.

I jump up the wall in to the park.. just to get one last look..... show nuff, out of the corner of my eye, i saw the beaten kid, still holding my lighter on the ground... one wild boy caught me with a  rock to the head, that got me on my ocho cinco, I was gone! One, by one, they all started  jumping the wall, and running up the hill after me... and all I'm trying to figure out is...yeah, you got it, i know..

Hopping fences, cutting corners, feverishly trying to gain a step... fuck, I swear I just almost yakked my heart up...these guys are big, if I can keep it going for...... a park ranger lookin like Smokey in a pick up truck,checking the commotion.. I hear sirens, the dudes slow up , but two of them are still like 5 steps back.. I yell to smokey to pick up the pace, and I sprint to catapult myself in the back of his truck...

This is not a permanent solushhah! One of  dudes hanging off the truck chokin the shit out of me!! I'm trying to get him off me........kidding.  Naw, so I jump in the truck and Smokey gets me to the other exit of the park.. He stops and hops out real quick, he wanna know why a wild pack of thugs was chasing me through the park, gonna hold me til blue eyes gets across the park.. His homie rolls past in another pick up.. This new dude was a little late..slow,dumb,right on time..

He got his ipod on, and smokey telling him "you are such a fucking peon, Bramble".. And Bramble just laughs and puts his headphones back in and drives away...right then, I snatch smokey's keys, still in his hand, and throw them in the back of Bramble's pick up.. Smokey chases, yells for Bramble to stop. But, Bramble thinks Smokey is playing and speeds away, with that dumb ass chasing his keys.. i peep cops, I get ghost..

Cab..

Head back to where the stupid fucking kid asked me for my lighter.

Right when we're coming to the spot, the kid rolls over the hood! Bloodied and fucked up, he got the lighter in his hand!  Cops grab him, I roll down the window,to try to snatch it somehow.. Fuckface flings the thing in the air, like 2o ft. Light turns green, cab starts going, cops are kicking the cab.  It lands in a sea of people, cops, and horses.. Cab dude won't let me out, too dangerous, he's on parole.. Gotta get that lighter..

But, I ain't jumping out no cab doing 50 down 7th avenue..

Once we're past 5oth, he says, he'll let me out at the next green light. Doors are locked anyway.. Ends up being 28th, before we hit a red.. He unlocks the door once I pay him. I sit back and tell him to take me to 14th between 1st and second.

Going to this really strange spot called "the perm.."

All the bartenders have like amy winehouse, marge simpson hairdos...so, i don't know why they call it the perm, but whatever.. 

Gotta meet with Coach, my high school basketball coach. He gave me that lighter.

When he first caught me at a house party, drinking and smoking he tried to kill me..

And then he gave me a ride home, and gave me that lighter.. "that is a very valuable lighter. if you're really a smoker, you'll hold on to that thing forever. if you lose it, you have to quit. and at some point,I'll tell you how the lighter--will set your dreams on fire"

He went on to tell me that whoever had it, had power. But not like the mask. They "had power they don't know they have."  

I told Coach he was full of shit! I almost lost it like ten times by graduation.. But, no really positive, life changing shit happened, besides not getting killed.. That kid was holding the lighter,and he got mallywhopped.. What kind of power is that? That he had the strength to chuck my lighter in the air, as the cops slammed him against a row of cabs on central park south?  

And now.. I sit here at a table, with two new castles between me and coach..

And he's looking at me....

He already knows.. And he ain't even giving me the "you know you done fucked up" face.. He's tight,nervous,like life threatening paranoid..just his eyes moving.. never turning his head to scan the room.. He always sits in this seat, where he faces half the room, and can see the rest behind him with the mirrors. No one had a full view of his face, but he always had a clear view of the front door.. That young, Harlem Malcolm shit, always watching the door. 

"I asked you to do one thing for me. One. Out of all the shit I've gotten you out of!

From report card upgrades, to hotel rooms for your mini groupies to,to retros the day they came out. And an,an, an extra pair for you to grind off on ebay. and don't forget the juice boxes.."

I wince.

"I got you your championship senior year."

"Yeah, one fucking year." He wasn't done with the other thing, "yeah, you remember them juice boxes, don't you boy. I  remember the first and last lunch I ever made you.. when you moved in the summer before your junior year."

I remembered. Shit finally hit the fan with my uncle. The government says he is not allowed to kidnap lunch crowd people off the street in midtown, and sell them back to corporate america wholesale.  He's gonna be in jail for a while, they seized his life. But, he set up accounts they don't know about.. So, he put me under the watch of his business partner, Coach. They've been friends since..  Anyway, coach's crib was stupid. I had my own wing, and he was at Perm most of the time, so right off the bat, for a little dude I was chilling..

My uncle worked at home, and even though anything goes, it was hard to bring girls around my uncle.. See, he has two heads..

Yeah, two, like the other body is inside him, so it's like a bigmac person..

But, one of the heads chose to be a pastor. His name is pastor.

And, well the other head chose to be a pimp...

So, I call him uncle. But, everybody else calls him PastorPimp..

The heads don't agree on much politically. 

But, style, taste in cars, women, and a whole lot of food, all seem to link up...

oops.. Yeah, and money..

Which is why he got locked up, which is why Coach became my guardian, which is why i'm trying not to sweat bullets sitting two crown and gingers away from Coach,and somehow I just ruined my future,but I can't truly understand the magnitude...or some shit Uncle Coach says.

I pull out a fuzzer, and light a sorry ass match to it.

He flicks it out of my mouth, shooting sparks and shit. 

"Fuck you coach!" I say, sweeping sparks off of my shirt and pants.

"No, boy you just fucked us all. unless you can track down that lighter... But, that's just you running around the street with your dick out, hoping it falls in the right place. It's gone, all i asked was that you kept that thing safe. Gave you absolutely everything you wanted,just keep it safe. No job, no family biz even. Just fuck off with your crew and hoops, and broads, and clubs and bud.. That's your life, the dream one you asked for. One thing. So, you don't smoke no more, right fuck face?"

He put a juice box, and an apple on the table, like when I was in highschool. He gave me a pained grin and got up, to go do some business in the office.

He didn't have to "make my lunch" anymore, this was just to let me know that even though the lighter is a big deal I'm not getting merked over it.

I take the top off the apple, just like back in the day, a zip of something fruity.. think it's olivepit kush. and the juice box...a knot of 5 stacks($5000).

It's just a fucking lighter. He likes to fuck with people, especially me. So, he's been laughing his ass off at my expense for over a decade.

Got me believing some myth he made up. 

Some myth he made up. Some myth he made up?

Yeah, it's bullshit..

Says me..

Please come back to catch glimpse 2 of 3 ....Spoiled Soldiers

Breakup Hangover Helper(take back the night fellas!)pt1

the morning after....

blink the sting out of your eyes,wow,how they burn.. 

It takes you a second to realize, as you're more concerned with the taste of dry, dirty sock in your mouth.....

I'm single again... 

As wonderful a blessing being single again is.....

There is a difference between not having a girl, and being single..

We want the latter.. being single, means the possibilities are endless!

Not having a girl, means you somehow tricked some poor girl in dealing with your drama for a year and change.. Then, one day she bucked up, and became a ghost..gone..

And now, your sorry ass can't get the same trick to work twice..

So we won't be that lame,lonely, one trick pony..

But, don't worry..

You don't have to take off the bathrobe just yet....

First, you gotta flush all that old relationship out.. Otherwise, you risk what is called, an ex-girl to new-girl transference, or "past pu##y transference.."

This is where you trip on your new girl for shit your old girl did.. Now, this condition is often seen from females, but guys you know some of you do it too.. It's lame, and unfair.. Nobody's perfect so let them do their own fucking up. They'll be plenty, and you'll forget all about what's her name's drama.

Anyway, it might take you a second to hit the scene. You wanna listen to the saddest songs on your ipod..Neglect bathing, and contact with your boys.. Swear your sick, and miss too many days from work.... But I ask you? Is any of that bringing her back? Ask Mikey, from Swingers... She won't come back until you have gotten yourself back together.. Why? i don't fucking know, it's just the way it is... But, the funny part is, once you've gotten it together, you could give a shit what she's doing.. Kick Murphy in the nuts, not me.. It's just the way it is..

In part 2 of Breakup Hangover Helper, we will be discussing; ex-games,watchaphobia, and tips on how to reduce "past pu##y transference.."