Breakup Hangover pt. 2 pre-hatin,watchaphobia, and other shit..

So, last time  we met-- you had just broke up with her...

You weren't showering, brushing your teeth, or even wiping your ass right.... 

I finally got you to go outside, and there you were; wandering the earth-- looking, feeling, and acting like a really big pussy...

Here we are.

You got, like 54% of your nut's function back.. You're almost thinking about using em...

But, where's the bellboy?

You still walking around with that baggage..

No?

You don't hold your pillow,while you let out a wounded puppy's cry,  and listen to lauryn hill any more?

So proud of you, but she's still there..

I know. You can't smell her, don't talk to her, can go a whole day without thinking about her, and yet......

You're finally out and about....

You're showering, and maybe even ironing your shirt before you go out now...

At the bar, and finally.....

An opportunity presents itself......

Your intro is seamless..

The convo is smooth...

You move to privacy, and you remember how exciting this is.....

BAM!

Some skallywagg, who slightly resembles your ex's body type walks by, and you flinch, like Kimbo Slice sneezed right in front of you.

Shorty, now, eyes wide open... finds anything to tell you(her girls,her ride, anything)... She might still give you her number.. But, after she gets up, all you're gonna think about is what a jackass you just were, and try to explain it, and make it worse..... 

She's not gonna respond to your calls,texts,emails...Drink some prune juice..l.t.s.g.*

But, what happened to you is called Watchaphobia.

You think this girl is around every corner you bend.. But, what you're not realizing, is you want her to be around that corner.

So, though you say you're good. You've moved on..Nah..

You're moving on..

But, it takes time.. 

The reason you have watchaphobia, is because of something girls do, called pre-hatin..

See, by the time she realizes that this ship has sailed, and both of you are about to jump in the ocean....She's already trying to fuck up the rest of your life... How can she do that if I'm not with her?

Right. She can't...

But, she can say the coldest, most fucked up shit she can think of; to try to give you complexes about the man you are...and can be...

You know how when you know someone after a certain amount of time,you know what to do to piss them off? Like, it's real easy, if you know the person..

Well, all throughout you're relationship, if you were mad-you knew exactly what to say to get her to your level, right?

She did it to you too... I know, dude, I know..

Not the point..

The point is, even though she did it to you too, no matter how mad she got, she saved the really good stuff.. Whether it's true or not.. Whether she even really believes it or not... She's gonna tell you when it's over.. She might call it closure...

But, dammit, we call it pre-hate!

And it can stick with you, if you let it..

Every woman was born with a degree in psychology... How they choose to use that degree, remains up to the individual...

Bottomline, if you take what your ex tells you on your way out the door to heart......

Hometeam, it's gonna be a looooong bachelor period for you... And I don't mean that in a good way...

I mean, you can develop hangups, from relationships, like fucking child trauma..

My homeboy was a brilliant artist;his work marinated across gallery walls...getting paid handsomely for his love....

And his muse...well, when they stopped seeing eye to eye.....

She told him he was a fraud.... and that he was conning people, by making a shitload of money on overhyped crap.

He listened to her...

Out of respect? maybe.

Out of habit?probably.

Out of hope?most likely.

He hoped, that when she began the sentence....that, even if she wasn't going to say, "we can make it work", that she was going to tell him she knew how big a mistake she was making...

Or, how great a man he was, despite their differences.

Yeeeah, but she didn't.

She dulled the blade, and put it in with precision.. She probably practiced.....

Because she knew it might be her only shot to guarantee, that he would never be happier, than the last time she made him happy...

And then there are those of us, who know that the fucked up shit she said is true...

On the money, true... Like, we want her out of our freakin head true, true.

All this time you thought she could never see that, and here she is, calling yo ass out..

"you thought I didn't know about;" her, that other bank account, your gambling debt, your drinking problem, your mommy/daddy issues, you like dudes,etc.

Now what?

You thought nobody, not even her, knew your secret.. But, she does, so other people must be able to see it too. Not only that, but who did she read the contents of your diary to? The diary you never kept, but she kept for you...Oooooo.. I know, it's a dangerous thing, this "love".

So, you're fucked up now right? Cause the mutual people you know, might know,and blah,blah,blah...

You're being an idiot...

Unless, you really are some kind of traveling freak show...

In which case, you should probably relocate..

But,for real, it's not like she doesn't have her quirks,and moments she would prefer were forgotten.. And, I'm sure if you were so inclined, you could tell her friends what she really thinks about them..

But why?

It's like the KKK...If you hate the darkies so much.....why expound all of your energy toward what they are doing? Is that hate? I've heard hate defined as, "warped love"......

Which is why pre-hatin is so brilliant....

She plants the seed, and you do all of the harvesting.....

But, we don't really need that bellboy anymore do we?Save yourself the $5 tip....

These days we're packing light.. Any drunken, random; text, or voicemail, where she is popping her shoulder out of the socket, reaching for some way to knock you off course....

You're laughing that shit off now....

Don't even feel the need to respond with that sick, witty, cruel one-liner you just thought of...

Sittin back with a chilled glass of prune juice...

You know your shit stanks....

And you know everyone else's does too..Even the pretty ones...

*l.t.s.g.:let the shit go

Anyway, you're about there, I'm not gonna front dude, I'm digging how fast you're coming along.. But, I only gotta few more things I gotta tell you, before I can sleep feeling good about you out there macking and attacking. So, stay tuned for the final chapter of Breakup Hangover Helper... Alright, man. Holla den..